This weekend I was amongst friends and, uh, friends I've yet to make, I guess, and it always makes me think about why the idea of being around other people makes me so anxious. Which it does, by the way, it very much does. I managed to avoid experiencing days of dread this time -- well, no more than two or three days, anyway -- but still, it's something I contemplate. And I think I've come to a realization, which is not the same as the realization, because I suspect it doesn't come down to just one thing.

So anyway: I struggle with self-image. Who doesn't? But I really really do. There are a number of reasons for this pen name and associated accounts, but one is, frankly, the freedom to generate a completely synthetic, if you will, image. This is not my name, that is not my picture (you didn't mistake it for a photo, I trust), so on and so forth. I get to control the details.

But... do I? Or, once interaction with others commences, do I lose control of that image? Much like when a story is published or otherwise released one no longer has control over its meaning, exactly... it will mean different things to different people no matte the auctorial intent. Similarly, I believe that construsting a personal image doesn't survive contact with other people, and I believe this to such an exaggerated extent, or at least I assign it such an exaggerated importance, that I believe I am anxious about what all those varied images of me might be and I find it easier to just avoid coming in contact with them. (Again, I have enough trouble dealing with my own confused self-image.)

This is almost certainly one of the many things that should go into the "stop worrying about that" folder. But it's not a simply hop from "I think this might be happening" to "I can stop doing this!" Or even "I should stop doing this!" necessarily. Something for therapy, I'm sure.

(Left as an exercise for the reader: how this sort of thing plays into roleplaying games, online anonymity, acting, doubtless other ways people craft an image...)